HERE’S THE DEAL WITH LOCKS

Can we all agree on what position means ‘locked’ and ‘unlocked’ on a traditional door knob? Just like the universality that green is for go, the horizontal line should mean unlocked. All my life I knew horizontal to mean “unlocked.” Until, that is, about 6 or 7 years ago when I started venturing into a lot of unfamiliar territory; hole in the wall bars, strange apartments. Then all of a sudden, left was right, up was down and vertical was unlocked.

The problem is when you enter a bathroom and lock the door behind you, it’s usually done out of habit. So, you aren’t really paying attention to the fact that you just locked the door. Then you go to use the toilet and with your pants half down you see the lock in the horizontal position and you’re like, “Shit, I didn’t lock the door!” So, then you have to use what muscle you have left after years of not exercising to, in the half chair position, lean and try to turn the lock only to realize it is already locked.

UNLOCKED

LOCKED

And, don’t even get me started on the push-style locks. If you design one of these third world spring loaded terrorist locks, you should be put on the no fly list but not before you’re ordered to redesign them until the difference between the locked and unlocked position is at least 5 inches. This is so there is never any confusion ever again if the lock is locked or not.

This style lock can’t be trusted unlike the above vertical/horizontal locks. At least with those locks you can give the handle a manly handshake and see if it is indeed locked. But, with these spring loaded anxiety locks, you go to test it and even if it is already locked, it unlocks and opens right up so you never feel secure. I suggest asking yourself this before entering a bathroom with one of these locks, “How is your karma lately?”

Another lock that has started the graying process for me is the door handle that provides no indication whatsoever whether it’s locked or not. This lock is a lot like skydiving. You just have to trust that your shoot works. Usually a key is needed to get behind a door with this kind of locking mechanism but WHAT IF THEY HAVE A SECOND KEY?! The only advice I can offer with this kind of lock is to use the toilet paper to wipe the sweat from your brow.

Posted in Blog | 1 Comment

My Archenemy

Posted in Blog | Leave a comment

Mini Golf, Major Pain

Not to brag, BUT, I went mini golfing with my family recently. The disappointing part was that I placed second but it was fine with me because I place first in life. There were 5 of us but it’s soon to be 4 because I’m probably going to jump off a bridge due to my frustration with people’s sheer lack of awareness of others.

The golf course was completely empty except for my family (people in my home town really know how to have fun) and the unenthusiastic teen employee waiting for us to finish. By the time we made it to the 12th hole, a young couple showed up, just blowing through the course. Before we made it to the 16th hole, they had completely caught up with us. And. Just. Stood. There. Glaring. At. Us. Waiting. For. Us. To. Finish. Or. Preferably. Die.

We weren’t playing exceptionally slow, we were playing at a reasonable pace for 5 people. It’s not like we were stopping to pose for pictures or anything like that. I mean, WHO would do THAT? (see below)

To be fair, these pictures were taken well before the couple arrived. We wouldn’t have been rude enough to do this with people behind us.

But, they caught up to us so quickly that even Tiger Woods would have been asking them for their putting advice. So, by the time we were at the 16th hole, again, going at a reasonable pace, we felt like we were being burned by glare of the their dead eyes.

If I could have asked them a question, I would have asked, “Why go mini golfing if you’re in such a hurry?” Isn’t the point of doing something recreational like this to actually enjoy your experience?” It’s not like their summer school teacher assigned them a night of mini golf and they were rushing through the course so they could turn in their scores so they could finally leave school for the day.

I’ve always thought that way about people who go to sporting events or functions, what’s the point if you’re in such a hurry to leave?

(deserves more than 3 favorites)

——- ADVICE ——-

In a situation like this and you find yourself being the aggressor (standing way too close, forcing people to hurry up and finish), something you can do is hang back two holes behind the people in front of you and do that hole a couple of times. I’m pretty sure you could use the practice. However, I understand that this is something you can only do when there aren’t people behind you.

And, I am aware that sometimes you may be in the situation where the people in front of you are going unreasonably slow. In that situation, they can be considered the aggressors (aholes) and I give you permission to let them know with your body language how inconsiderate they are being. And, by “body language,” I mean, “the finger.”

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO HAVE PROPER ETIQUETTE IS TO BEHAVE IN A WAY THAT SHOWS YOU ARE AWARE AND UNDERSTANDING OF THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU.





Posted in Blog | Leave a comment

DON’T SAY THE FOLLOWING, EVER.

  • “Is today Tuesday?” “Yes, all day.”
  • “Tell us how you really feel” (after someone just told you how they really felt)
  • “Excuse my French” (not speaking French)
  • “Don’t hate the playa, hate the game.” (Let’s not hate the player or the game. Let’s just hate the person who uses that phrase)


Posted in Blog | Leave a comment

Hello, ‘Hello Giggles’

I haven’t written on here in a while but that’s okay because there is some stuff here:

http://hellogiggles.com/walking-in-on-a-selfie-taker

Posted in Blog | Leave a comment

UPDATE: INTERNATIONAL DELIGHT RESPONSE MORE WATERED DOWN THAN PRODUCT

In the time it took me to complain about a coffee creamer commercial, I could have fed a child for 99¢ or more importantly, put away my laundry. But, in the time it took Linda Martinez, Consumer Response Representative to respond to my email, she wouldn’t have been able to do either because her response was canned, probably copy and pasted in the matter of two seconds, which, for the record is fine with me. But, in this scenario, because I sent such an insightful and witty email, she could have at least tailored her response with a little recognition. Something like, “Although I don’t have the power to pull the commercial off the air, or to even set my own lunch hours, I appreciate your sense of humor and think you should have a successful career as a writer and/or comedian.”

Below is the official transcript of how futile my attempt was (and how horrible Linda’s job is):

Posted in Blog | Leave a comment

INTERNATIONAL UN-DELIGHT

This is one of the worst commercials of all time. I know because I spend a lot of my time on the couch staring through the television waiting for an opportunity to judge. Also, I went to school for the creative side of advertising, not that it takes a degree in advertising to know this commercial is terrible.

I’ve seen this ad over and over. And, today, it just so happened to come on during a very slow, tedious and lonely moment. And, because slow, tedious and lonely manifest into nervous energy, I decided to take it out on the International Delight “Contact Us” page; something that’s been on my ‘mental break down to-do’ list for a while now.

The email that I sent is below (in 2 parts so you can read the whole thing). Response from International Delight to follow:

P.S. Relatable isn’t spelled wrong.

Posted in Blog | Leave a comment

FORCED TO EXIST WITH PEOPLE WITH ‘COEXIST’ BUMPER STICKERS

I see these bumper stickers all the time and try not to think about how much they annoy me. But, last night, a car with one railed on the horn the instant the guy in front of him didn’t peel forward when the light turned green. That inspired Social Etiquette rule #2,302:

You can’t use your horn AND have a coexist bumper sticker at the same time. That’s like giving someone the peace sign with your right hand while flipping them off with your left.

This bumper sticker is the more affordable way to be “Prius Guy.” Because, like driving a Prius, this sticker makes us all hold you to a higher standard. So, when you don’t live up to those expectations, you look like a bigger asshole than the guy driving a Hummer.

Posted in Blog | 1 Comment

IF PEDESTRIANS HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY, THEY HAVE TO WALK THE RIGHT WAY

When you take the shortcut, you make it a longer wait for the driver to take a right turn. If you just simply walk straight, the time consumed is fair for both the driver and pedestrian. Get it? Got it? Good.

Posted in Blog | 2 Comments

HAHAHA I CAN’T BELIEVE PEOPLE STILL DO THIS HAHAHA :GUNSHOT SOUND: :SILENCE:

Posted in Blog | Leave a comment
  • Advertisement