DON’T SAY THE FOLLOWING, EVER.

By Carney | Published: June 11, 2013
  • “Is today Tuesday?” “Yes, all day.”
  • “Tell us how you really feel” (after someone just told you how they really felt)
  • “Excuse my French” (not speaking French)
  • “Don’t hate the playa, hate the game.” (Let’s not hate the player or the game. Let’s just hate the person who uses that phrase)


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Hello, ‘Hello Giggles’

By Carney | Published: April 5, 2013

I haven’t written on here in a while but that’s okay because there is some stuff here:

http://hellogiggles.com/walking-in-on-a-selfie-taker

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UPDATE: INTERNATIONAL DELIGHT RESPONSE MORE WATERED DOWN THAN PRODUCT

By Carney | Published: March 30, 2013

In the time it took me to complain about a coffee creamer commercial, I could have fed a child for 99ยข or more importantly, put away my laundry. But, in the time it took Linda Martinez, Consumer Response Representative to respond to my email, she wouldn’t have been able to do either because her response was canned, probably copy and pasted in the matter of two seconds, which, for the record is fine with me. But, in this scenario, because I sent such an insightful and witty email, she could have at least tailored her response with a little recognition. Something like, “Although I don’t have the power to pull the commercial off the air, or to even set my own lunch hours, I appreciate your sense of humor and think you should have a successful career as a writer and/or comedian.”

Below is the official transcript of how futile my attempt was (and how horrible Linda’s job is):

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INTERNATIONAL UN-DELIGHT

By Carney | Published: March 19, 2013

This is one of the worst commercials of all time. I know because I spend a lot of my time on the couch staring through the television waiting for an opportunity to judge. Also, I went to school for the creative side of advertising, not that it takes a degree in advertising to know this commercial is terrible.

I’ve seen this ad over and over. And, today, it just so happened to come on during a very slow, tedious and lonely moment. And, because slow, tedious and lonely manifest into nervous energy, I decided to take it out on the International Delight “Contact Us” page; something that’s been on my ‘mental break down to-do’ list for a while now.

The email that I sent is below (in 2 parts so you can read the whole thing). Response from International Delight to follow:

P.S. Relatable isn’t spelled wrong.

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FORCED TO EXIST WITH PEOPLE WITH ‘COEXIST’ BUMPER STICKERS

By Carney | Published: May 17, 2012

I see these bumper stickers all the time and try not to think about how much they annoy me. But, last night, a car with one railed on the horn the instant the guy in front of him didn’t peel forward when the light turned green. That inspired Social Etiquette rule #2,302:

You can’t use your horn AND have a coexist bumper sticker at the same time. That’s like giving someone the peace sign with your right hand while flipping them off with your left.

This bumper sticker is the more affordable way to be “Prius Guy.” Because, like driving a Prius, this sticker makes us all hold you to a higher standard. So, when you don’t live up to those expectations, you look like a bigger asshole than the guy driving a Hummer.

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IF PEDESTRIANS HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY, THEY HAVE TO WALK THE RIGHT WAY

By Carney | Published: May 12, 2012

When you take the shortcut, you make it a longer wait for the driver to take a right turn. If you just simply walk straight, the time consumed is fair for both the driver and pedestrian. Get it? Got it? Good.

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HAHAHA I CAN’T BELIEVE PEOPLE STILL DO THIS HAHAHA :GUNSHOT SOUND: :SILENCE:

By Carney | Published: April 21, 2012

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HERE’S THE DEAL WITH LOCKS

By Carney | Published: March 28, 2012

Can we all agree on what position means ‘locked’ and ‘unlocked’ on a traditional door knob? Just like the universality that green is for go, the horizontal line should mean unlocked. All my life I knew horizontal to mean “unlocked.” Until, that is, about 6 or 7 years ago when I started venturing into a lot of unfamiliar territory; hole in the wall bars, strange apartments. Then all of a sudden, left was right, up was down and vertical was unlocked.

The problem is when you enter a bathroom and lock the door behind you, it’s usually done out of habit. So, you aren’t really paying attention to the fact that you just locked the door. Then you go to use the toilet and with your pants half down you see the lock in the horizontal position and you’re like, “Shit, I didn’t lock the door!” So, then you have to use what muscle you have left after years of not exercising to, in the half chair position, lean and try to turn the lock only to realize it is already locked.

UNLOCKED

LOCKED

And, don’t even get me started on the push-style locks. If you design one of these third world spring loaded terrorist locks, you should be put on the no fly list but not before you’re ordered to redesign them until the difference between the locked and unlocked position is at least 5 inches. This is so there is never any confusion ever again if the lock is locked or not.

This style lock can’t be trusted unlike the above vertical/horizontal locks. At least with those locks you can give the handle a manly handshake and see if it is indeed locked. But, with these spring loaded anxiety locks, you go to test it and even if it is already locked, it unlocks and opens right up so you never feel secure. I suggest asking yourself this before entering a bathroom with one of these locks, “How is your karma lately?”

Another lock that has started the graying process for me is the door handle that provides no indication whatsoever whether it’s locked or not. This lock is a lot like skydiving. You just have to trust that your shoot works. Usually a key is needed to get behind a door with this kind of locking mechanism but WHAT IF THEY HAVE A SECOND KEY?! The only advice I can offer with this kind of lock is to use the toilet paper to wipe the sweat from your brow.

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THIS SHOULD BE ILLEGAL, PUNISHABLE BY A PUNCH IN THE FACE

By Carney | Published: March 17, 2012

I imagine the conversation about putting up all these signs went something like this…

Parking Person 1: “Let’s just confuse them into a ticket.”

Parking Person 2: “Yeah, let’s make them hate their lives as much as we hate ours!”

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION ETIQUETTE

By Carney | Published: December 7, 2011

I’m a girl. That means I’ve witnessed my share of obnoxious birthday behavior. Not only have I witnessed it, I’ve had to be a part of it, all while sporting a fake smile and a feather boa. Below are rules to follow while celebrating your birthday so your friends will be happy you lived to see another year.

1. It’s not “birthweek” or “birthmonth.” It’s “birthday.” That’s one day. Don’t celebrate longer than that.

2. Do not wear a princess crown. Even an actual princess looks ridiculous wearing one.

3. “It’s my birthday today” should not be said more than twice and should never be said to a stranger under any circumstance.

4. Although it’s your party, don’t cry if you want to.

5. It’s not okay to hold a grudge against the people who didn’t wish you a happy birthday on your Facebook wall (although it is very tempting).

6.Opening gifts should be quick as it’s not fair for others to have to fake excitement or hold interest in something that doesn’t benefit them directly for longer than 5 minutes.

7. Cards should only be read aloud in front of close family.

8. Remember that yes, the day is all about you. But, don’t forget there are starving people in China.

9. “Chocolate or vanilla?” should only be in reference to your cake and ice cream choices. Don’t get so drunk that it becomes the way you pose your question about which guy you should hit on.

10. If you have people out for your birthday, tell them how how old you’re turning. They went out of their way to help you celebrate, they have a right to know how sorry to feel for you.

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