Can we all agree on what position means ‘locked’ and ‘unlocked’ on a traditional door knob? Just like the universality that green is for go, the horizontal line should mean unlocked. All my life I knew horizontal to mean “unlocked.” Until, that is, about 6 or 7 years ago when I started venturing into a lot of unfamiliar territory; hole in the wall bars, strange apartments. Then all of a sudden, left was right, up was down and vertical was unlocked.
The problem is when you enter a bathroom and lock the door behind you, it’s usually done out of habit. So, you aren’t really paying attention to the fact that you just locked the door. Then you go to use the toilet and with your pants half down you see the lock in the horizontal position and you’re like, “Shit, I didn’t lock the door!” So, then you have to use what muscle you have left after years of not exercising to, in the half chair position, lean and try to turn the lock only to realize it is already locked.
And, don’t even get me started on the push-style locks. If you design one of these third world spring loaded terrorist locks, you should be put on the no fly list but not before you’re ordered to redesign them until the difference between the locked and unlocked position is at least 5 inches. This is so there is never any confusion ever again if the lock is locked or not.
This style lock can’t be trusted unlike the above vertical/horizontal locks. At least with those locks you can give the handle a manly handshake and see if it is indeed locked. But, with these spring loaded anxiety locks, you go to test it and even if it is already locked, it unlocks and opens right up so you never feel secure. I suggest asking yourself this before entering a bathroom with one of these locks, “How is your karma lately?”
Another lock that has started the graying process for me is the door handle that provides no indication whatsoever whether it’s locked or not. This lock is a lot like skydiving. You just have to trust that your shoot works. Usually a key is needed to get behind a door with this kind of locking mechanism but WHAT IF THEY HAVE A SECOND KEY?! The only advice I can offer with this kind of lock is to use the toilet paper to wipe the sweat from your brow.